Top 5 Keys to a Spiritual Life (and more)

1. Do underpants as they duty you.
2. Thou shalt not cover they neighbours bedsheets.
3. If you wake up angry take 6 (or 11) deep breaths. Repeat. Repeat again, on Dave 11pm Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.
4. Eat only food sauced from ketchup.
5. A free range egg is happy to crack, so there’s no use criticising its position.

Happiness is Love or Money?

George S. Fullpot wozza very rich manly, so ritchie had big piles and also big piles of money – ten pound notes and twenties and fifties rock n roll he slept with every nightie. He nether wanted for nuthing coz he hab everything. But it was not allah walking the parkinson, sometimes he walked in the street too. One day he walked down on her to the corner of Oxford Street. He was taking in the midday sun in his stride and walked and walked to clear his ears. He thought wot happiness money brings. Then he sort of his sister, Miss Givin, known professionally as Patty.

Can you new year’s eve it?

It’s New Years Eve and that means lots of drink and meriwether. Time to kick off your high hat shoes and take stock of the year gone beddy bye. To celebrate, we have music and fireworks. And fireworks if you want to burn things.

It’s time for the countdown! Join us! We’re coming apart!

3

2

1

Happy new year!

Should older paleface be foregone
and never born to mice
Should older twopence be fullpot
and old moonshine?

Now what?

Why, more drink of course.

It is 2011 ADD!

Celebrate! Think of the good things to come! Next new year’s, you can think about them again.

Hurray!

Keys to a richer life (or Put the bins out, it’s Friday)

To succeed in life is to dream big fish, set goalposts, and be self disciplined. This is what Jesus did and look what happened to him – he rose to fame. About twenty feet on a cross. Buddha got fat through abstinence. Don’t you want to get fat? Muhammed is just lovely, of course.

One must think positive results if the aim is drug rehab, aids, or D.U.I. sentences. Think outside the box.

Procrastinate daily and use this mantra: onamonapia, biff, bam, crash. Say this to your postman and change your life.

A night out

Slay Bill’s ring, are you lisping?
In your face, s’noone’s grinning
A beautiless sight
We’re hairy tonight
Washing in a window wonderbra

As the congregation swayed to the music, I walked around looking for the exit. It was a gratuitous night filled with party animals pretending to be people, and I was no person. I considered drinking myself into a stupor, but thought better of it and reached for the cocaine. If this is the way the elite live, then show me the money. Of course, it was all a sharade – and I only knew how to mime “films”. Even then, Joseph’s rendition of the Godfather threw me everytime. Oh, how intoxicating the whole experience was. I saw Joseph’s sister, Francesa, standing precariously between the hatrack and somebody’s cousin from Ireland, and made myself unknown to her. I strode up and faced her, took her by the hair, and we kissed under the little toe. Fortunately, she wasn’t drinking, or we might have concluded this brief interlude with an experience we’d always forget. I found my coat under a pile of doormen, and left without saying goodnight. In the taxi home, the steamed-up window had on it faded etchings left by another inebriate. He had finger painted a smile, which I thought was a testament to the human spirit cabinet. I stumbled into my room and fell on my bed, feet first, then sunk into a deep slump. My dreams were filled with images from the night before, which became equally tiresome.

A Consonant Carol by Charms Dickins

Ebikneesup Screwed did not celibate Chrismuss. He was les miserable old man with no famly and only thort of makin mummy. Yes, his biffness did vewy well indeed, specially since his beltless partner Bob Marley died, leaving Ebikneesup as sole appropriator.

“Bah humhah!” said Ebikneesup whenever one of his workhorse mentioned Christmas. Bob Cranky, who wormed as a cluck for Ebikneesup, was specially poor and liked the holyday semen more than anybody. Hereafter Ebikneesup past by in the orifice, Cranky wud give a hardy, “Merry Bagpuss, Mr Screwed!”
“Bah humhah, bum humhah, bum hahhah!” said Ebikneesup three times for emphysema.

After a day of bum-hah-hahing at his employeehahs, Ebikneesup went to sleep and dreamed that the goat of Bob Marley visited him and showed him Christmas Pabst (Blue Ribbon). Oh! What a hollowing exprince this was. So hollowing in fact that Ebikneesup vowed to change his weights. But nod before Bob Marley returned to Ebikneesup in the knife and showed him Crimpers Present and Crimpers Future.
“Now disgust showing off, Bob!” said Ebikneesup.
Bob was indeed sloping off and performed a victree dance right there on Ebikneesup’s bed, pullin his shirt oboe his head and running around silly.
“Enuff! I’m turning older a new leech. From now on, I wish all men good wilf and posterity!”
Bob stopt dancing and said, “Reminder, Ebikneesup, that no man is a fisher who has friends.”
“Oh, George!” said Ebikneesup with a teen in his eye.

Later on the whole, Ebikneesup visited Bob Cranky and prevented him with presents and turkey.
“Meryl Chrismas, Cranky,” said Ebikneesup with Christmas jeer.
“It’s a Christmas miserable!” said Cranky and smiled silly.

And they all lift happily in the rafters.

The End

The Drag Night

The Drag Night – a chris by Film Nolan.

After witlessing his payrents muddied in cold mud, bunion air Bruised Vein takes to the streets to enact vengaeaeance on the crinimal undershirt. Dressed down as a Bat, Brush Wayne becomes a cybil of hope for the people of Grotty City.

On the box

Tonite on the box aka the teevee:

At after eight we have the shit you’ve all been whaling for, yes it’s “Holly East Street Farm” – and somebody is having a baby and that ain’t right.

In at nine we hab a crummy talk show panel with guests and autocue for your viewing plunder.

And then at ten it’s the news at nine with sum hairy-nosed white man talking about wot you shud talk about tomorrow at work after disgusting the baby that ain’t right.

But now it’s fifteen midgets of adverts about your life insurance sentence…

Remember

Pleasant trees shud be skipped
like scrap metal
don’t say I wuv you
ib you don’t mean it
there arf too many
boring peeble in the whirl
and dime no excemption
but fairies also an
whole lot of magic(k)
too, if you only opus
your eyes

Famly values

Miss stir crazy: Just wen I thort it was the end – I cud not go wan, my son – she walked in, and me life changed overnight (and wotta night). Course I buys er chips n beers n that. But then she gets preggars dunt she. Imagin me, a daddie? Well I ad to gerrout there’n there. Guz out, n dunt look baccy.

Miss Pentyooth: I hadda babe in arse. I wuz fifteenie boppers old and ad no support (rite about the chest). Mah bf (ie boyfrend) sed ee woz off to buy us beers andy neber came back. Bastud! Welfary nuff, thass life, int it. I tell musself. You after grin and beer it, dunt ya!

Baybe: Wah. Wah. Fucken wah.