Things that go bump in head

I bought a kettle, one of those that boils on the stove. Made myself a coffee, but it was too hot. I took a sip – scolded my tongue. It flared up like Hindenberg, so I added milk to cool the coffee down. Went to walk out and slipped on some milk I’d spilt – fell face down on the stove. I reeled back, my face branded by the stove, called for help but I was unintelligible because of my burnt tongue, so I reboiled the kettle, started sending smoke signals.

Jonny and the gerbil

Jonny had smoked his last joint and wondered where the time had gone. Indeed, he spent many evenings wondering where the time had gone and then, when morning came, saw he’d got nothing done and wondered where the time had gone. Just as he set to wondering, a kestrel flew overhead. It stopped right above Jonny and hovered there. Uh oh, thought Jonny, either I’m bird food or I have a gerbil in my hair again that’s about to be bird food. So Jonny shook his head and sure enough out came this little rodent.
“You again!” exclaimed Jonny, who had never made an exclamation before and felt he had now come of age.
The gerbil scurried back to Jonny and stood before him. Jonny got upset at the gerbil standing before him. Jonny’d been sitting all night and was sure he’d be the first to stand.
“Please – don’t let that big old buzzard get me,” pleaded the gerbil, clasping his front feet together in supplication.
“It’s a kestrel, actually,” said Jonny.
“Who are you, Bill Oddie?” said the gerbil, then checking himself, back-tracked: “Because Oddie is a fine entertainer, I loved him in Monty Python.”
“He was one of the Goodies, actually,” said Jonny.
“Oh, hell! I can’t stand this,” said the gerbil, and stepped back into full sight. Sure enough, the kestrel swooped down and gobbled up the gerbil. Jonny remembered now just how hungry he was. With that, he sat down and wondered where the time had gone.

The logic of dreams

Like a mobile telephone booth… Clark Kent walks in, but the network drops half way through changing. He walked outs with his cape slipping, pants down…

One-liners and exchanges

I could not roll my Rs, so I took a course in Italian diction, and the teacher recommended lemon drops to relax my jaw. So I tried sucking a lemon drop – bit my tongue.

When I lost my job

I lost my job today. I was a coat collector at a local theatre, and this woman walked in wearing a huge coat made of some kind of animal fur, and… I had been watching a National Geographic documentary on Bigfoot the night before…

A few exchanges and bits

General: “Soldier! Was it you who opened fire on our own men?”
Soldier: “Sir, no, sir. It couldn’t have been me. While our men were fighting I was curled up behind a rock, Sir.”
General: “What did you say, soldier?”
Soldier: “Sir, ah, planning a counter-attack, Sir!”

Memories from university

I

I was living in an air-raid shelter conversion… part of the drive for affordable accommodation for students. And this place, it had been an air-raid shelter in the Second World War, there was a communal kitchen with powdered eggs and stale bread, y’know. One night my roommate Jarrod brought home spare ribs from a takeaway, and we thought, he must be black marketing. Or a spy. We couldn’t take any chances, so we took him outside, blindfolded him, and shot him.

Things I saw

Yesterday I saw a little man with wings, screaming in agony with an arrow in his arse. I heard later, somebody had handed Cupid a joke shop bow and arrow that reverses the shot. That’s not why he was screaming in pain though. When he shot himself he was in the same room as Fern Britton.

Saw a cat looking both ways before crossing the street. It wasn’t weird until the cat stepped out and almost got hit by a minivan driven by a chihuahua. And, y’know, the cat turned and gave the dog the finger.

A few one-liners

I didn’t want coffee but she kept offering me a cup and ground me down.

Penis size? I’d tell you but I don’t want to be big-headed.

I used to go out with a blind girl. I wanted to do something kinky but she didn’t see herself that way.

Inferiority complex